I missed you today


I missed you today, as I always do
I sat in the sun, and thought about you.

I thought how unfair, this life can be
how cruel, unforgiving, to take you from me.

I needed you here, to show me the way
I needed to hear, what you had to say.

No one can gauge my moods  like you could
No one can make me see all that’s good.

Why did you die, I need to know
Was it so bad, you chose to go?

Could you not take, this life anymore
was it too much for you to endure?

If I could have taken, some of your pain
would you have listened, let me explain?

I wish that I’d told you, how much I cared
I should have told you, but I never dared.

I missed you today, I’ll miss you tomorrow
the rest of my days, will be filled with sorrow.

The day that my life changed.


The day that my life changed,
was the day that she died,
I understood then, what it meant to cry.

The day that my life changed
I couldn’t think straight,
I wouldn’t accept, that this was her fate.

The day that my life changed
is etched on my brain,
complete devastation, gut wrenching pain.

The day that my life changed,
caught me off guard,
what isn’t expected, can hit you so hard.

The day that my life changed
has left me bemused,
lost and bewildered, somewhat confused.

The day that my life changed
I still question why,
why god would choose, my mum to die.

I really needed to see you today.

I really needed, to see you today
I really wanted, to hear what you’d say.

And then it hit me, like it always does,
the fact you reside now,  in heaven above.

It’s just not the same, without you here
everything’s blurred, nothing is clear.

Yet again I question, why did you die
yet again I fail,  to receive a reply.

People tell me, you have to move on
let the past go, keep being strong.

They don’t understand the way that I feel
lost and bewildered, nothing is real.

I wish I could simply, see you once more
be greeted by you, when I open my door.

Send me a sign, allow me to hope
give me the tools, with which to cope.

But I know that I won’t, see you again
least not till my own life,  has come to an end,

Until such time then, my memories will do
I’ll smile and I’ll cry, as I think about you.

So here I wait.

So here I wait at the end of the phone
Sat in my house, all on my own.

Checking my emails everyday
Something exciting might come my way.

Just last year I was twelve years old
Sat at my desk good as gold, I always did as I was told.

Only last month I was getting wed
Buying a house, a car and a bed.

Yesterday saw the birth of my girls
Beautiful eyes, red lustrous curls.

Today you shall find me being a mother
A task more important than any other.

I’ve travelled along the path of my life
Been a good mother, friend and wife.

I haven’t forgotten the dearly departed
I write this poem now, quite broken hearted.

But I do understand that life must go on
For my two precious girls, I know I’ll be strong.

For now though, I wait I ponder and wonder
Does the sun always take the place of the thunder?.

Do bad days always give way to good ?
Did I really do as much as I could?.

Questions to which I receive no reply
Most pressing of which is , why did she die?.

I keep all my thoughts locked safely away
No one can read them, not then not today.

Four years ago, my dear mother died
That terrible day, god how I cried.

I held her hand as she took her last breath
As her tired body succumbed to death.

I screamed at the doctor, please bring her back.
I can’t, he replied, it doesn’t work like that!.

Back at home, later that night
I shouted at god, I wanted a fight.

Why did you take her?, I pleaded in vain
Why have you burdened me with so much pain?.

God never answered, not once did he speak
I prayed at his altar, until I felt weak.

I lit all the candles, I made a donation
I needed some closure, some peace, some salvation .

Now four years on from that fateful day
The void that she left has not gone away.

Please answer me god, I’m tired of waiting
Day after day, sat contemplating.

Why did you take my mother from me?.
When you let all the demons roam the earth free.

She believed in you god, her faith never waivered.
I too did believe, I thought you would save her.

Don’t you remember, we brought her to Lourdes.
To worship en masse, and pray with the hoardes.

Don’t you recall her praying in church.
Knelt in the pews, until her knees hurt.

Don’t you remember the rows with my dad?.
When he mocked her religion, and made her feel sad.

Don’t you remember her pain and her tears?.
The suffering she bore, for all of those years.

Don’t you remember how lovely she was?.
How kind and how giving, an immeasurable loss.

I suppose you’re too busy, to answer us all
Us weepers and wailers who continue to call.

Should I let go of the past and move on?.
It sounds very simple to do, but so wrong.

Can I just leave her to dwell in the past?.
To never return, how long can that last?.

Oh dear lord above, if you’re listening now,
I want to forgive you, I just don’t know how!.

 

I thought about you today.

I sat and I thought, about you today
I sat and I thought, as I watched my girls play.

Outside in the garden, the sun bright above
With all of my family, surrounded by love.

It would have been lovely, to see you today
I’m sure that as always, we’d have plenty to say.

We went out for lunch, Sophie came too
The only one missing that mattered,  was you.

I’ve stopped hoping it’s you, when I hear the phone ring
And even when I answer, I never hear a thing.

I know it’s not you, knocking at my door
I’ve acknowledged the fact, that won’t happen anymore.

I’ve given up hoping, that you’ll buy me a gift
I’ve lost count of the special occasions you’ve missed.

But still, I often think about you
Hoping you’re watching the things that we do.

As I sat and I thought,  about you today
I didn’t feel sad, as was often the case.

I sat and I thought, how lucky I was
To have had you in my life, before you were lost.

I didn’t tell you how sorry I am.

I didn’t tell you how sorry I am
I wish I could go back, to when it began.

It didn’t make sense, the way that it ended
I didn’t believe you couldn’t be mended!

Nobody guessed, I didn’t foresee
Your soul was so close to being set free.

I took you for granted, I know that I did
Thank you for having the grace to forgive.

Where did it come from?, your endless compassion
I tried to reciprocate, after a fashion.

I was far more concerned, with my state of mind!
Letting  me down, time after time!

You always stayed strong, picked up the slack
I ran ahead, and didn’t look back!

If I had just stopped, drowning in sorrow
You might still be here to welcome tomorrow.

I wouldn’t be feeling the way that I am
Wading through life, bereft of a plan.

Of course I am grateful for all that I have
Health, wealth and happiness, all there to grab!

But I just can’t reach them, not all at once
With two of the three, I don’t stand a chance!

Oh woe is me!, my constant lament
Never replete, seldom content.

Look at me now, the way that I’m writing
All about me, my selfishness frightening!.

I’m so sorry mum, please can you forgive me?.
Banish the guilt, that now resides with me!.

It’s just that I miss you with all of my heart
The day that you died, my world fell apart!

I should have been stronger, just put you first
Stood right beside you, made myself heard!

To live with these feelings of loss and regret
Is made that much harder, when you can’t forget.

I wake every morning, fully aware
That time has moved on, and you’re no longer here!

My heart bears the scars, my eyes fill with tears
Absolving my guilt, will take many years.

 

The First of March

Four years today, that can’t be right
I slept like a baby, all through the night.

No bad thoughts invaded my dreams
No one woke up, from hearing me scream!

The house is just as I left it last night
Bars on the windows, doors all locked tight.

No evidence here, that something’s amiss
No possible cause for feeling like this.

Look at the date, I hear someone say
The first of March, St. David’s day!

And then they return, to sit by my side
The memories of then, the day that she died.

I didn’t go crazy, and lose every plot
I have hidden strengths, though some may think not!

I held it together for everyone else
I can’t share the heartache, that’s just for myself.

When you have a family, whom on you depends
You can’t call it quits, and say it’s the end.

I’m not seeking pity, if that’s what you’re thinking
I’ve made it this far, without truly sinking!

I’ve made it to now, right back to today
To much better times, I’m happy to say.

Still, with all that said, and a smile on my face
I know she’s the one I can never replace.

Twinkle twinkle little star

Twinkle twinkle little star,
how I wonder what you are.

Could you be gifts from those we love?
Who now reside in heaven above.

A sign from those so dearly missed
That the here ever after, does exist.

Is that why a robins breast is red?
They catch the soul as it leaves the dead.

The single white feather that floats to the ground
Left by an angel whose wings make no sound.

The smell of a rose once in full bloom.
The feeling of warmth in a cold room.

The sound of their voice, soft in your ear
At the darkest of times, to ease the despair.

The sun as it breaks through the blackest of skies
The kindness of strangers, with love in their eyes.

Reminders all, that they once did live
And even in death, have still more to give.

I wandered lonely as a cloud

I wandered lonely as a cloud, that floats up high o’er vale and hill When all at once I saw a crowd, a host of golden daffodils.

They reached as far as the eye could see,
in perfect golden harmony.

So proud they stood, as if hand in hand,
I never did see a merrier band.

The sun as it shone did bathe them in light
Their beauty enhanced, their colours so bright.

I sat in their midst, to take in the sight
I sat and I watched, until it was night.

And as the sun set, and the moon it did rise
They all bowed their heads, and then closed their eyes.

I knew it was time for me to depart
to find my way home, and back to the start.

As I rose from the ground, my body refreshed
For all I had witnessed, I felt truly blessed

For all I had seen, that day now since passed
Remains with me still, locked safe in my heart.

Another birthday, that you’ve missed

Another birthday, that you’ve missed,
Two more cheeks, you didn’t kiss.

One more gift, you won’t be buying,
No more ribbons, will you be tying.

No more party dresses, lovingly chosen,
No more toys bought, just to be broken.

No more books to read, no lullabys to sing,
No more popping round, to see if I am in.

No more meals to cook, no cups of tea to make,
No more lies to tell, no happiness to fake.

No more promises, will you have to hear spoken,
From no more nightmares, will you have to be woken.

No more calls to make, no letters to be written,
No more days to wait, for comfort to be given.

No more tears to cry, no sins to be forgiven
No more failed attempts, to escape from your prison.

No more disappointments, no more shattered dreams,
No more cuts to heal, no more muffled screams.

No more anything, that’s all that you have left
A fact that, more than you, I now need to accept.