I attempted to start a diet today
Climb on the wagon, sit on the hay.
I threw out the sweets, chocolate and cake,
Discarding those treasures, made my heart ache.
Next went the wine, straight down the plug
I was mightily tempted to take a quick slug!.
I jumped on the scales, to note down my weight
When I spied the result, I started to shake.
God help me, I thought, I can’t be that big
Do I weigh more than a prize winning pig?.
I must be big boned, I thought with relief
As big as a T Rex, including his teeth!.
Exercise said I , that’s what I need
A run round the park, past the big trees.
I pulled on my trainers, my track suit felt tight
If you saw me face on, I looked quite a sight!.
I slipped out the door, at a quarter past six
Then had to go back, I’d forgotten my cigs!.
I got to the park, at six twenty one
The experienced runners, had already begun.
They all looked like athletes, fat free and toned
I just couldn’t face it, so I went home!.
Later that day, I fancied a swim
I drove to the pool, but I didn’t go in.
I took one look at the bodies on show
Suntanned and lean, their faces aglow.
From where I was stood, I spied my reflection
It took me a while, to make the connection.
The rather large figure, I saw reflected
Resembled a species, that should have been protected!.
When I got home, I felt weak and tired
All of my willpower, had long since expired.
Stuff all this dieting, and life on the wagon
I could eat a whole donkey, followed by a dragon.
I could drink a river, filled with red wine
Then smoke 40 cigs, two at a time!.
I’m not cut out, for diets and such
I value the good things in life, far too much!.